It was June of 2006. I was on home-based dialysis because both of my kidneys had stopped working the previous summer. Every night at around 9:00 pm I would head to my bedroom for the night, hook myself up to a dialysis machine via a tube in my stomach, and stay there until 6:00 am. Every night.
When it had become evident that my kidneys were failing my family started the process of “getting checked” to see who could donate a kidney to me. We were not surprised that it was happening to me – there seems to be some flukey gene on the maternal side of my family that makes some women in the family lose their kidney function for no apparent reason that some of the best doctors in the country can determine.
My dad had always said if my sister or I needed a kidney he would give us his in a heartbeat. And I knew he would. And he turned out to be the wrong blood type.
After the devastating news that my dad was ruled out, and then the rest of my family for genetic reasons, I literally had 10 friends go through the process of getting checked in order to give me their kidney. The thought of this alone is staggering – 10 people who were not related to me were willing to give me their kidney. One even got all the way to the end of the testing, at which point they found a kidney stone.
I was beside myself.
I knew that being on dialysis is extremely hard on one’s body and that the sooner you have a transplant the much better outcome you have. I also knew that the waiting period in Chicago for a kidney is currently 6 years. That’s a long time to wait – and a long time to put your body through dialysis – and some will die while waiting.
So there I was in June of 2006, my family and friends had been ruled out as donors, I was already a year into dialysis and I. was. scared.
It was at that point that I knew there was only one option – an option that I was horribly uncomfortable with but knew was my only hope for a healthy life and brilliant future:
I had to ask a stranger if they’d give me a kidney.
I can say with absolutely certainty that I have never had to ask a more difficult question in my life than when I wrote a letter in my church “bulletin” and asked fellow parishioners to consider giving me their kidney.
My letter ran on Sunday, June 25th. No one called.
One Sunday later, on July 2nd, I got a call from a woman named Rose. She said she had been driving to church that morning and realized she had the bulletin from the previous week still in her car, unread. She had been about to throw it away when she decided to flip through it just to make sure she didn’t “miss anything important.”
She said, “I have Type O blood and if I am a match you are more than welcome to have my kidney – I only need one.”
That’s really how it happened. On Tuesday, March 27, 2007 she gave me her kidney, and we forged a bond that can never be broken. She got married a few weeks ago and I had the enormous pleasure of being there with her for her special day.
So, what did I learn about networking through this experience?
People truly, genuinely, in their heart of hearts want to help other people. You should never doubt this, no matter what you need help with in business or how vulnerable it makes you feel to ask for help!
I have learned through my experience consulting to 2 networking organizations (The Marketing Executives Networking Group and the CEO Connection) that the foundation of networking is giving to others. The golden rule of networking: you should absolutely always be looking for ways to help others without expecting anything in return, and then when you do need to ask for help people are much more likely to make the effort to help you.
But in my situation I asked for the ultimate favor without ever having given anything first. And the answer I still got was “yes, absolutely.”
Once you have asked a stranger for a kidney and received a “yes” in return, you are never afraid to ask for anything ever again. Please read that twice.
As leaders we are often uncomfortable admitting what we don’t know, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and asking for any type of help. Sometimes when executives are in transition they are afraid that other executives will be uninterested in helping them or feel put-out by a request for time or help.
STOP. JUST ASK. Someone might actually say “yes,” and it just might just change your life.
What’s stopping you from asking? Please share your thoughts about this post in the comments…it would mean so much to me to hear from you…
78 Response Comments
Lisa,
It was wonderful to meet you at SOBCon and after hearing about your journey, any of my self-doubt or excuses just seemed silly. Since our chat, I am no longer afraid to ask.
You and Rose are inspirations.
Kneale,
It was a blessing for me to meet you and have that very inspired conversation! Nothing could make me happier than to know you are no longer afraid to ask! Kudos to you…
And Rose is the inspiration… 🙂 Thank you for your ongoing, amazing support and your friendship. I am deeply thankful!
…and a whole bunch of us are very thankful that you have that “little bit of Irish” in you now! Thanks for being so transparent and putting forth a very striking lesson from this episode (and thanks for being such a good friend as well!)
.-= Steve Woodruff´s last blog ..It’s All Going Away =-.
Steve,
You just love the “Irish” part of this story, don’t you! 😉
Thanks for the beautiful comment and for being one of the main reasons that sobcon was so inspirational for me. It would not have been half as wonderful without you there!
Wow! What a beautiful post! Made me quite teary, I must tell you.
Thanks for your honesty, your grit, your health!
And thanks for drawing lessons from such a tough situation.
All the best.
Blue skies
Roy
.-= Roy Blumenthal´s last blog ..By: SHAHEED =-.
Roy,
Comments like yours make writing this new blog entirely worthwhile. I really can’t thank you enough.
And yes, I am wonderfully healthy! All the best back to you… 🙂
Thanks for this post Lisa. I just found your blog today via your conference post. I’m an introvert too and always have to remind myself to take a risk and put myself out there. Been called “stand-offish” and “cold” but really shy and not good at small talk….
Anyway, I was happy to read that post but really felt compelled to respond to this one. I think you are right when you say that people truly want to help others. I believe that too. I think if they were given the opportunity to help, e.g. you ask for their help, they would come through in droves. I believe that innately people are good but sometimes they feel like they can’t change the world and get lost in the hopelessness of it. But most people don’t realize it’s not about changing the world, it’s about helping your neighbors and friends and strangers alike. Small acts of kindness do make a difference. Sometimes we just need reminders.
I love how you say that the foundations of networking are giving to others. Tons of people out here in the realm of social media offer to help everyday. Maybe if everybody does a little bit we can change the world.
Gwen,
I was called “stand-offish” too and it simply broke my heart to hear that. I’m so glad the other post resonated with you.
And thank you so much for your insights on this post. You’re right – we don’t have to try to change the world, simply looking at small ways to be of help to others is amazingly powerful. Brilliant observation about social media too – so many people I’ve met on Twitter have been tremendously generous with their help and support – you are right on that for sure!
Gwen, I’m thrilled you found me and hope you’ll visit again soon!
Hi.
This is truly and honestly amazing! I have always been the one who helps people in any way possible. It always made me feel special that someone needed me or thought I was blessed enough to help – by helping I was able to appreciate more and more of what I have!
I am now at a place where I need help: but I don’t know what to ask for or how to ask.
Thank you for sharing this – when I know what it is I need and how to use it to better myself and situation, I will have the courage to ask for help. Pride aside.
A
Akona,
Such beautiful things to say and how inspiring that you are always helping others.
In regard to where you are at now…maybe just sharing with others that you don’t know what to ask for or how to ask will help illuminate the answers… I love that you are ready to let yourself be vulnerable. Please come back and let me know how your journey goes – you’ll be in my thoughts. 🙂
Lisa,
Your story mirrors so many scenarios of what it is like to be in the vulnerable position of having to ask for help. You go to your trusted networks first. Sometimes your trusted network does not provide the results you had hoped for. Next, you have to go outside your comfort zone and trust people will care about you, your cause and making a difference. Most people really do want to help. You just have to ask.
Excellent post and thank goodness your plea was heard. Remarkable story of courage and faith in others.
Thank you for sharing.
Matt,
You are so right – as you eloquently put it we go to our trusted networks first. It’s hard enough to feel vulnerable with them, right? And it’s doubly difficult when, as you say, they don’t provide the results you’d hoped for.
Thank you so much for your kind words – I love that you include the word “faith!” You are so welcome and I truly hope you’ll come back again soon!
Lisa, your story is beyond inspiring for me. I daily struggle with asking for help or seeking advice. It’s fascinating to see the perspective that you’ve taken from your story.
Thank you for identifying the truths surrounding your experiences and sharing them with us.
Eric,
It’s fascinating to me that you use the word “struggle.” You’d think asking for help would be innate for us humans but for so many it’s just not.
Thank you for your candor and, as always, for coming by and commenting. Your friendship means so much to me!
That has to be the biggest ask in the world. Wow. I’m glad you shared this. It shows that we have the power to really ask for whatever, provided that “whatever” equals something meaningful.
Thank you for sharing this.
.-= Chris Brogan…´s last blog ..Learn Internet Marketing =-.
Chris,
Yes, I guess it might be the “biggest ask in the world…” Thank you for your very thoughtful words and the insight that when you ask, it should be for something meaningful!
Lisa
A powerful story with a deep lesson for all aspects of living. And masterfully told. There’s a keynote story in this. “Stop. Just Ask.” is a great memorable theme line. I’m glad for your happy ending.
Good on you.
Gerry
Gerry,
I’m honored that you used the word “masterfully” in reference to my post! 😉
What a brilliant thought about the keynote – you were sent to me for a reason today. That.is.for.sure.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your comments on my happy ending and please visit again!
Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing this and reminding all of that when it comes to the desire to share…to help another human being….there is no such thing as scarcity. There is only abundance.
Much love!
Estrella
.-= Estrella Rosenberg´s last blog ..A Love Note To Facebook =-.
Estrella,
Simply beautiful way to put it…thank you for sharing that lovely thought. Abundance…
Much love back to you! 🙂
#1 reason people don’t volunteer?
#1 reason people don’t give to a charitable cause?
#1 reason kids don’t get involve in extracurricular activities (and stay out of trouble)?
“No one ever asked me.”
Wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the #1 reason people never gave a kidney. I know no one ever asked me!
Thanks, Lisa, GREAT POST!
.-= Richard´s last blog ..All events take place in real time… =-.
Richard,
I’m quite sure it is. And when you talk to people on dialysis about it they say, “I don’t want to ask/bother them…” which usually translates into, “I don’t think anyone will want to help me.” It’s mind boggling.
My donor says she’d do it again in a heartbeat – her life began to open up in so many ways when she made the decision to do it. She was literally thrilled that I had asked.
Thank you so much for sharing this insight and for your truly kind words. I love that you’re a reader!
Wow Lisa, thank you for sharing your story, your strength and Rose’s kindness. A true inspiration that makes any excuse just that…an excuse.
Carol,
I genuinely appreciate that you see it as an inspiration…Rose is truly a saint; she is a beautiful gift to the world!
Thank you for your amazing friendship and for taking the time to comment – I appreciate both sincerely!
Lisa,
What an extraordinary and inspirational story. Thank you for sharing it and your point is well taken.
Janna,
I can’t thank you enough for that and for stopping by – what a nice surprise! I appreciate you taking the time to comment; it means a lot to me!
Lisa,
Such an inspirational story. Now I understand why you are eternally grateful. Rose and her gift to you was divine.
Good points on asking for help. My Dad always taught me that ‘it was better to lend a hand . . . than to need one’. He should’ve added a corollary, ‘share your goals and ask for help when you need it’.
I think the concept of sharing your goals is so powerful for a number of reasons:
1. It forces you to define what you are trying to achieve
2. It makes you accountable to other people.
3. It allows people to understand your motivations and actions
4. It lets people know how they may be able to help
Best,
Stan
@9inchmarketing
‘The longest and hardest 9 inches in marketing . . . is the distance between the brain and the heart’
.-= Stan Phelps´s last blog ..I am a marketing revolutionist . . . vive le revolucion =-.
Stan,
Thank you for the sweet words. I’d be eternally grateful regardless but yes, the fact that it came from such an unlikely source is quite special.
I love your list and think perhaps in MENG we should remind executives more often about your great points – and how no one can help if you a) don’t let them know you need it and b) don’t let them know exactly what it is that you need.
Thank you so much for coming by for a visit and taking the time to comment – it means so much to me. 🙂
Luv this post. Im glad that you got a Kidney and are doing well. I received mine May 2002 🙂
.-= John Paul Aguiar´s last blog ..Breaking Into The Top 20 Internet Marketers Online With No List =-.
John,
Such an honor and a blessing to meet you! Glad Thomas connected us and thrilled that you’ve had 8 wonderful years with yours!
Thank you for the kind words…they are extra special coming from a fellow recipient. 🙂
Lisa,
What an amazing story of both giving and receiving. So often in life we focus on one side or the other. Thank you!
.-= Jim Raffel´s last blog ..Human Networking 2.0 =-.
Jim,
First – thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment – I genuinely appreciate it!
And thank you so much for the lovely words, they do mean a lot to me. And yes, we all need to be better at receiving – it always makes the giver feel so good. 🙂
This is one of the most heart wrenching touching real life experiences I have ever read. Thanks for sharing Lisa. It is rare to see actions like this on the part of most. I really don’t think most would even ask as a result of their complete disbelief in humanity. Too many people are stepped on their whole life to even think that there is a possibility that someone would help. I applaud you for having the courage to ask. 🙂
Jonathan…that really is not only a very thoughtful and touching comment, but heart-wrenching in and of itself in that you say some are stepped on their whole life and would never envision the possibility of help. That breaks my heart.
I can only hope the story will somehow inspire someone to “just ask” when they might not have done so…
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and for sharing your beautiful thoughts.
I hope so too, on many levels. There is not much available for so many people and hope is the most powerful word in the universe.
.-= Jonathan Saar´s last blog ..Help Social Media Research in Multifamily Housing Industry =-.
Wow. What a great story. It took a lot courage to make such a request. A request that would have immediate and direct effects on your life and inextricably connect you with someone. In this case a complete stranger. I give you both credit for make the leap, making the connection and extending the ultimate kindness.
It was a pleasure meeting you at #SOBCon. I had no idea this was part of YOUR story. Thank you for sharing. I hope to see you at the next #SOBcon and perhaps even before the next one.
.-= Jeff Shuey´s last blog ..Do you need to know how to call BS on a Social Media Guru? =-.
Jeff,
So honored that you stopped by!
Thank you so much for your beautiful words – they mean a lot to me. I will definitely see you next year – I am already signed up! If you’re in Chicago before then be sure to give me a call… 😉 Thank you again for dropping by and for taking the time to comment!
Thank you for sharing your story. I had the exact opposite experience as you. I was reading a church bulletin when I saw a mother’s plea for help. Her daughter was in end-stage renal disease and needed the generosity of a stranger to save her daughter’s life. I saw it as a great opportunity to make a difference in someone else’s life. Surgery was in February and I am so glad I did it. I am glad you are in good health. Congratulations!
Amy,
I am touched that our experiences mirrored each other. You are a gift to the world and not just to the recipient – so glad you shared your story and are shining your light on all of us!
I can’t tell you how truly blessed I feel to have had you as a visitor on my blog – and how thankful I am that you took the time to write. Thank you from the bottom of my heart…
You know, after reading all the comments, I think I missed something. The asking … there’s definitely a lesson in that, but for me, and I can only speak for myself, its the lesson that Rose taught.
Would I do that? How much am I willing to give? To be a good human? To follow Christ? You didn’t confront her, she call you. Amazing.
Thank Rose for teaching me the meaning of the second great commandment, and for following the first.
Hi Peter,
You are so right – she is the inspiration in the story, and she is an amazing woman. I guess the post was simply to let you know that even though the asking wasn’t the inspirational part – it led to the giving, which never would have happened if Rose was not aware of my need.
Thank you so much for stopping by and for taking the time to comment on the post – it means so much to me! I hope you’ll visit again soon. 🙂
I stumbled on to your blog today and have enjoyed all of the posts.
One question I wanted to throw out there about this topic is: how should executives create a workplace where employees are secure when asking for help? I work in gov’t contracting/project management, and while many may want to help, it can be a rat race. It’s easy to make someone look dumb or weak when they ask for help. Sometimes, an executive could easily be ostracized if they say they need help.
I agree w/ asking for help – I’ve had to do it in my personal life, and it is a humbling and fulfilling experience to see how God has provided for me using others in my life in many unexpected ways. At work though, it’s been challenging. I’m generally happy to ask for help or to reach out to others for information, but are there lines in the professional world that should be drawn on this? And if not, what should execs be doing to ensure this is a component of the environment?
Thank you so much, Jill!
I think you ask a brilliant question! In my experience, how you ask for help is also very important – and I really didn’t get into that in the post (maybe another time!) 🙂
Perhaps framing the request as something like, “Could I have a few hours of Joe’s time to help me get some clarity around this? I want to be sure I have mapped out the right approach and with a bit more clarity I can begin to implement more quickly…” Thus – you’re asking for help and resources, but making it clear that there is a benefit to management as well. Does this help?
And in regard to making it a component of the environment…if we let our teams know that they can be comfortable in our organizations asking for help – and we allow them to witness us doing so frequently – then this can begin to impact the climate directly.
Thank you so much for stopping by – it means so much to me and I hope we’ll be able to share more thoughts and ideas in the future! All the best…
Lisa,
I just heard about your blog this morning from Marketing Profs Today and was very inspired by this post both professionally and personally. My Mother always said to me “it never hurts to ask” and often I need to stop and remember that rule. So, thank you for sharing your story as a reminder for me to stop and ask. Also, thank you to Rose, who inspires me to want to give and love unconditionally – what an amazing person she must be!
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Thank you so much for coming by and for taking the time to comment! Yes, moms are always right, aren’t they?! 🙂
So glad that you found inspiration from Rose’s act of love – she is well beyond amazing; she is truly a gift of love and light to our world!
Please stop by again soon, Sarah!
People often comment that one of the things I’m really good at is connecting other people (in a business related sense) and also keeping track of what is happening in people’s lives and sharing that information with other people that know them (in my personal life). This was much harder to do pre-Facebook and Twitter / LinkedIn, but I still did it.
I think a lot of it goes back to my own health issues. I’ve needed help from a lot of people over the years. Between being a klutz and breaking a large plate glass window on the day of finals or needing help post-knee surgery. There’s certain things that I’m unable to give back — I can’t help someone move like they helped me; I don’t have a great kitchen to cook dinner; etc. But, what I can do is notice when they put out those calls for help and then help move them along to someone who might be able to help them.
Sue Anne,
I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to share that! I hope you realize what a truly powerful gift it is to be a connector, especially if you are so astute about doing it at times of need and to help people. I can’t tell you how much I respect and admire that quality!
I hope that others will come to realize that people like you, and like my donor, get great joy from giving, and that others don’t need to be so afraid to ask because there are people who will genuinely want to help. 🙂
Thank you again, Sue Anne. I look forward to seeing you on #blogchat and hope to have the opportunity to meet you in real life someday!
Lisa – amazingly touching story on the battle you dealt with.
I’m so glad to have gotten to know you and finally meet this very morning. In that, I could immediately tell the type of person you are and how willing you are to help one out. That’s true networking and how real relationships are built.
We’re not here to gain all the benefit without giving some of us in the process. It’s just that we don’t know when that time will come, but it does. I’ve been touched by numerous people I’m connected with and know that when their time of need comes, I’ll no doubt be there for them.
Thanks for the story and coffee 🙂
Thank you for all of your amazingly kind words, Sonny.
I’m so glad we were able to get together (finally!) and appreciate your “knowing” that you will be there for those who have touched you when the time comes. I know you are the kind of person who will reach out to help without being asked. 🙂
Please let me know how I can be of help to you and I wish you all the very best at this exciting time in your career!
What is stopping me from asking? Fear that I will hurt my current situation. Fear that I will burn a bridge because I asked too soon. Fear. That’s it.
This is touching. Sometimes you don’t even have to ask. Here is a story where I didn’t have to ask and I received.
http://chimac.net/2011/02/12/stories-from-my-past-the-door-opens/
Thank you for sharing your story – I appreciate that! Yes, it’s beautiful when others see that we are in need an offer to be of help. It’s that challenge of knowing that others cannot perceive our needs and taking that step to ask that can make all the difference. Thanks so much for commenting!
Hi Lisa!
I hadn’t read this before I met you at SOBCon this year and I was floored by how much this matches the beautiful, strong and humble woman I met. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we could have a networking event that would start with “admitting what we don’t know, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and asking for any type of help”? As you said, many would be afraid, but then again, those who would show up would find themselves surrounded by the brave and giving 🙂
Mana,
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your beautiful comment and very kind words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And yes, that would be quite an inspirational event as I fully believe everyone would leave feeling fulfilled in many ways! Maybe we’ll try that on Leadership Chat – thanks for the inspiring idea! It was such a pleasure to spend time with you this year, Mana – I hope to see you again next year at SOBCon, if not before!
Lisa,
Your story is truly inspirational and stumbling across this message came at the perfect time for me. I often find it difficult to ask for help from those closest to me but this is something I am working to overcome because I know how amazing I feel when I help others. In fact, I can’t think of anything more satisfying. Giving is the easy part, it’s feeling like I am deserving of help that is the biggest struggle. Thank you for sharing and also providing the opportunity to express my thoughts on this subject.
Lee, I’m so glad you found it and I really appreciate you taking the time to write. Yes, feeling worthy is a challenge for many of us. The reality is, we are born worthy and lose sight of how powerful this truth is. Know and feel your worthiness each and every day. All the very best to you!
This is a great story. I, too have learned a pwoerful lesson on networking. Several years ago, I lost a great job I had for 18 years. Instead of networking, I got defensive. Things got worse. When I finally opened up, got out of the house, volunteered, started to do things for other people, and showed my commitment, everything in my life changed.
Especially important in networking is starting off by complimenting the other party. Everyone likes that and it makes for better networking.
Then, when you need to, ask. Even if it’s in a roundabout way. I recently wanted to quit or tak a hiatus from a group I belong to becuase I could not afford the dues. The response was overwhelming. One of the members said he’d take care of it. Of course, I can’t let him. I’ll pay for it. But the feeling from that response was tremendous.
I hope you’re in good health now. I enjoy your blog and am glad I found you.
Great example, Henry! Yes, I am in wonderful health now and I too am glad you found me! I love having you here as a reader and such a thoughtful commenter. All the best to you!
Unbelievable. Amazing.
Thank you so much, Santosh – I sincerely appreciate that.
Lisa,
I had no idea about this part of your story, which is so very powerful and moving. Your story highlighted the empowering element of asking and, even more so, the empowering element of “Yes!” Connecting to people opens up so many possibilities…. we just need to be open, empathetic, listening, and doing types to embrace each other’s story and determine how we can help each other.
Grateful for you, your community, and the messages here.
Jon
Jon, it means so much to me that you took the time to not only read my story but share your thoughts here. Thank you – truly – from the bottom of my heart. You are so right about connecting to people…and yet so often we hold back because we are afraid to inconvenience someone or to get hurt. And in holding back we miss out on so much! Thank you for being here. I am grateful for you as well!