I’m a very sensitive person.
I don’t mean that in the “I get my feelings hurt easily” kind of way but rather, I can sense the emotions of others in such an empathic way that I have come to realize I sometimes “take on” the emotions of others – the distinct color of others – and carry them as my own burden. I realized recently that I do this so subconsciously that it’s possible to find myself physically moving as if carrying a burden; a burden that is not mine to bear.
The result of this is that, in those particular moments, I am not actually living as my own true self.
That sounds silly, I know. But it’s not. Take just two seconds and think about how you do it too.
Perhaps you don’t “take on” others’ burdens as I do, but maybe when you’re with a certain group of people you’re uncomfortable and wear a mask in order to hide your insecurities. Or you put up walls around yourself to protect yourself from getting hurt when you’re around people who remind you of painful parts of your past. Or you act a certain way around your parents or spouse in order to be, for them, the person they want you to be.
The fact that I wasn’t living every moment of my life as my real self hit me as a genuine epiphany. A very weighty epiphany.
What led to this realization was something that my very wise friend said to me that I wrote down and was re-reading recently (yes, someday she just needs to write this blog herself, I know!). She said,
“You are meant to be you at every single point in the journey as you’re becoming who you are.”
It’s beautiful. It’s so simple and yet strikingly ethereal. It’s divinely inspired.
So what does it mean?
In immersing myself in this question it occurred to me that perhaps it is my life’s most important work to take my friend’s divine guidance and work to be who I AM in every moment, and to honor myself at every moment along the journey.
Giving my epiphany this much credence may strike some of you as absolutely ridiculous but in this moment I believe it may be my greatest challenge – our greatest challenge.
You see, it’s actually very difficult to do. Because this has been on my mind I’ve been highly aware of when I’m not “in my own energy” and have found myself “out of sync” on a number of occassions just in the last week alone.
So I’m challenging myself to make this my most important work right now – for me and for everyone who is important to me.
And if I take on this challenge, won’t that make me a better leader? If in taking on others’ burdens or molding myself to meet a certain need, situation, or expectation affects the way I lead, or if I discover myself morphing in order to impress or please, then yes – it will make me a better leader because I’ll be free to lead as me. Pure, simple, essential me.
Won’t that enable me to then give to the world in every way that I was born to truly give to the world, including as a leader?
I think so. I’m curious what you think…?
Photo is Let the Morning Time Drop All its Petals on Me by The Gifted Photographer.
12 Response Comments
Lisa,
For me, the biggest danger in not being “in my own energy” is that I don’t do the work of self renewal to maintain my energy. Becoming to immersed in other’s energy also means I may miss sensory cues in favor of my unconscious
biases – if that makes any sense 🙂
Hans,
Yes, it does make sense, and I have to believe you’d absolutely miss those cues – and a great deal else that’s important if you’re not entirely in your energy. Of course, being in our own energy then forces us to “own it” – right? 🙂
All the best…
As one who experienced his own epiphany, I know all too well the meaning behind “Giving my epiphany this much credence may strike some of you as absolutely ridiculous…”
I happen to think we ALL experience a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, AKA an epiphany in our lives…
Some though either do not “receive” it for a myriad of reasons, others receive it yet do not take full advantage while others merely dismiss it…
You have obviously received it, embraced it and are putting it to use the way the deity that delivered it you intended…
Steve,
That comment is a real gift – thank you! And I think you’re right – it’s about what we do with it. I am hoping the small shifts that come about because of the epiphany lead to transformation…
I believe from your prior comments that that’s exactly what happened for you. 🙂
Lisa,
Another great one and I just had to leave a comment. As a guy–you know, the subgroup of culture that’s supposed to be above all this feeling stuff–it’s a bit strange to say how closely I can relate to this post. But I can.
And how.
In fact, just today I got into an exchange today at work that could have been your text book example of the kind of “disruptive entrainment” you reference here. Where I’m at these day–in the thick of deep transition–I really have to be on my game to avoid taking on others’ anxiety. Let’s just say today wasn’t a game day, but it helps put in vivid relief how important it is to be mindful of my own tendencies while holding onto a rough sketch of how to better respond in the future.
Not coincidentally, I am currently researching the transformative power of conscious dialogue [William Isaacs from MIT, check him out]. Authentic dialogue can shift things in many unexpected ways but, you know, it’s not like there’s a magic switch we can flick. “OK, now I’m only going to engage in authentic dialogue!” C’mon we’re human; and as such we generally move through developmental trends by bouncing off the extreme boundaries and squeezing through the middle [Spiral Dynamic explains this much better than I can…]
I guess my point is that I think it’s as valuable I had that empathic mudslide this afternoon as it is reading Isaac’s notions of a better way and you’re great piece about the experience of living it. In a sense they’re all authentic dialogues. At work–as messy as it may have felt–I was authentically awash in taking on someone else’s anxiety and low self-esteem. Not that that’s the place I want to remain; but it provides a clear departure towards where I’d like to be in future engagements.
The short answer is: It all gives us a context for future trials and, hopefully, the humility to bring compassion to our upcoming foibles and that of others.
Thanks again!
David
};^o)
David,
I am in awe of your state of awareness and the clarity of mind of your last sentence – the recognition that no matter how hard we work we all have upcoming foibles and need to bring compassion to them.
I look forward to learning more about your research – I am quite sure there’s a reason you read this post today and I know there is absolutely a reason for me to read your research and Mr. Isaacs’s.
Burn the anxiety and low self-esteem that does not belong to you – and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your brilliance and your self here. All my very best…
Talk about a fortuitous intersection! Lisa I came here to your blog via a strange path. It was not my original destination, but that’s the part of the web that is purely magical. I’ve heard of you but that’s it. I digress though-
I’m 2 years into my life’s most important work and I find it interesting that I’m merely 2 years in. I would like to think that the previous 20+ years prepares you for this. But no. 4 years ago I was, just as you put it, “wearing a mask of someone I didn’t like”. I wasn’t being true to my own energy- because of a paycheck and I hated it. In fact it was magnified by a false sense of loyalty and a belief that trust was a 2 way street. It wasn’t.
I found myself doing things to go along that went completely against my belief systems-and it bothered me.
Luckily I had the presence of mind to know that things were not right ,and I too had not only an epiphany but also a realization that things were going to end badly. It didn’t make the epiphany easier because I had to change a lot of things, almost a reinvention if you will, but I was glad I had it.
I am now reaping the benefits. Am I still where I need to be? No, but I like the direction. You will tool The moral of the story is, it’s never too late to have an epiphany.
Marc,
However you managed to get here, I’m just glad you made it.
Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your journey with us. It means a lot to me and I absolutely love the moral of your story! I wish you great joy on your new path and am so happy to hear you reinvented and are now reaping the benefits! All the very best…
Thanks Lisa, it was really as much a reinvention as it was a renewed focus in what I was really good at and a belief in that. Sometimes we do things for others that we’re not really good at out of fear of saying no. Sometimes I think people self destruct because of their inability to say goodbye, say no or say I’m sorry…
This post has had me thinking all day now which made commenting a challenge..maybe I am just tired 🙂 People often sell themselves short as a result of numerous variables. I really feel we have to fluctuate on our personal abilities in order to make ourselves improve. If you are on a single track of focus regarding who you are and what you do, I am not sure where that leaves room for growth.
The times when I am feeling not so good about myself typically turn out to be times of thoughtful meditation and revitalizing myself in some way. I really do feel you on this post and its a deeply emotional topic to say the least. Just more for me to reflect on and ponder about as my personal journey continues to unfold. Thanks Lisa.
Jonathan,
I’m touched by the fact that the post had you thinking all day. It’s exciting to me to know it’s resonating with you in regard to your own journey and that you feel the depth of emotion in it. I hope that it will lead somewhere…perhaps to some form of revitalization as you mention? Thanks for sharing your reaction with me – it means a lot to me that you do that. 🙂