“Everyone is in the people business. Name me a line of work where people aren’t involved.” ~Dr. Mac, “Have a Nice Conflict“
With this sentence the authors of the newly-released best-selling leadership book, “Have a Nice Conflict,” get at the heart of why conflict exists in business. Business, at its core, is all about people and relationships. It’s been that way since the beginning of time.
Personal vs. Professional Conflict
We accept conflict as part of our personal relationships. With family, friends, and in romantic relationships mature adults know that conflict presents opportunities to better understand each other and to see a relationship grow to a new level. It can be productive and relationship-enhancing when addressed properly, with respect.
It’s when conflict is avoided that relationships suffer. Issues that get “swept under the rug” eat away at the connections that enable personal relationships to thrive. In business, conflict that is avoided eats away at the connections that enable businesses to prosper.
At the Heart of Conflict
“Have a Nice Conflict” is a fable in which the reader is immersed in the life of John Doyle, a sales executive who is successful at hitting his sales targets but who is losing the best performers on his team because they don’t like working for him. As a result, he is passed over for a promotion three times, and finds himself finally facing the reality that he struggles with the “soft skills” of dealing with people. Does this sound like anyone you know?
John is fortunate to be connected to Dr. Mac who eloquently states upon their first meeting, “They say the soft stuff is harder than the hard stuff.” How true this is. When my blog readers sign up to receive my newsletter, I ask them what the biggest leadership challenge is that they’re facing. Virtually every answer I receive is about the challenges of leading people. I see the words manipulation, frustration, “emotionally involved,” personal, commitment, accountability, dissatisfaction, and others like these on a regular basis.
So why is dealing with people so difficult, and why does it sometimes lead to conflict? “Because,” as John Doyle realizes in the book, “we have no idea what’s going on inside their head.” As a result, we watch what people do, but don’t necessarily know why they do it. As Dr. Mac goes on to say, “We can see their behavior, but it’s more worthwhile to understand their reason for using the behavior – their intent or motivation.”
Just as the employees in this post about a CEO’s unintended consequences of joining LinkedIn mistakenly thought his motivation for joining was to find a new job, we sometimes make assumptions about the motivation behind our team members’ or boss’s behavior. As Mac further explains, “Behaviors are the tools we choose and use to support our self-worth…our underlying motivation or set of values. Those things that make us feel good about ourselves and make us feel that we’re contributing.”
But, our behaviors can damage our relationships if we don’t give thought to how we use them. As Mac asks John, “Does using a strength that’s easy for you but ends up damaging a relationship with an important person in your life help you reach your goals quicker?”
The authors of the book assert that, “People are most effective when they choose a strength that enhances the self-worth of others while helping them achieve their own goals – their own self-worth.”
So, why is conflict good for productivity in business?
If handled well and with the brilliant insights of the book, conflict presents us the opportunity to better understand the motivations behind our colleagues’ behaviors. The better we understand their motivations – and what moves them to conflict in the first place – the more likely we can PREVENT conflict in the future. And the prevention of conflict consistently over time will absolutely lead to higher productivity – and prosperity – in business.
Want to learn more about how to turn conflict to your advantage? Join me and my Co-Host Steve Woodruff as we welcome the authors of Have a Nice Conflict, Tim Scudder, Kent Mitchell and Michael Patterson, as our Guest Hosts tomorrow night at Leadership Chat!
We are honored to welcome them as our first Leadership Chat sponsors and have learned so much from their stellar book and our collaboration. They are true leaders with a vision of helping all executives succeed in business. See you tomorrow night at 8:00 pm Eastern Time!
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13 Response Comments
Thanks for your insights Lisa. So true! Viewing conflict as an opportunity to engage co-workers, employees, vendor partners, bosses(!) in positive dialogue can be a great way to get everyone engaged and pulling in the same direction.
Bob – love that thought about “pulling in the same direction!” Thanks so much for sharing your insights here!
Good insights. Having diverse opinions is critical in organizations. The strengths-based and happiness movement in organizations often looks to others as being fluffy or soft. Having a conscious approach to leveraging conflict and competitiveness is critical in order to leverage the diversity of thinking that’s available. The trick is to use it wisely.
Nicely said, Alan. Thank you so much. And none of this is fluffy – it’s critical and never easy. All the best to you!
Excellent post. Yes, sometimes people seek to avoid all conflict. Avoiding is not the same as resolving or understanding. The gap just gets bigger.
There is also some healthy learning and creativity from tackling things from different perspectives. This can be discucssion, debate or conflict depending on the people involved and how they perceive it. Some people are so sensitive to conflict any disagreement feels like a conflict.
It also depends on how you come to agreement after the discussion or debate. Concensus is often compromise which is not necessarily the best solution but one in the middle. Sometimes one extreme or the other are the best. Someone needs to make that call after all the ideas are out and everyone is heard.
Doug, I couldn’t agree with you more about the gap getting bigger when we avoid conflict. And you’re right, people have a different sensitivity to conflict. I love that you extend this to the resolution – and how consensus isn’t always the best resolution. Thanks so much for being here and taking the time to comment; I sincerely appreciate it!
Lisa, lots of powerful lessons in this brief post. The difficulties all of us face with the “people stuff” requires we take a honest look at ourselves and perhaps seek the advice of an outsider. ” Our behaviors can damage our relationships if we don’t give thought to how we use them” is so very true and the most powerful sentence in your post.
I still struggle choosing the right words to bring my clients comfort and the confidence to change. The conflict they experience in leading their teams CAN drive them to change… perhaps the most powerful benefit from conflict. “If I can change what you believe, then you can change how you behave”… something my executive coach told me many years ago… and probably the reason I do what I do.
Great post. Will try to hit Leadershipchat tonight!
Craig, thank you for the gift of that statement, “If I can change what you believe, then you can change how you behave.” It’s a rich statement that gets at the vulnerability we face with conflict and the fact that to move through it requires a change of some sort. I do hope we’ll see you tonight!
Conflict or speaking your mind when you disagree is healthy for every relationship. Maybe that is a difficulty when you work alone, from home and have mostly virtual relationships, a conflict is different. A conflict results to a better relationship when you can look each other in the eyes?
Erno, you raise a great question. I wonder if there’s the added dimension of misunderstanding people when you’re in a “virtual” relationship. When we make assumptions about the tone of an email or a tweet rather than hearing it first-hand, it can lead to conflict that was never intended. So yes, perhaps the ability to look into someone’s eyes and gauge their real feelings and intent is an important part of the mix. Thanks so much for raising this critical point!
“As a result, we watch what people do, but don’t necessarily know why they do it.”
Very true, and too often, we guess at the motivation of a person’s actions based on what WE would do in the same situation.
Sounds like an interesting #leadershipchat tonight! Happy Valentine’s Day, Lisa!
PS: Apologies for my above comment going in prematurely, no idea what happened there, feel free to delete if you want.
Mack, that’s such an important point. We assume others see the world in the same way we do, and thus that their actions would be motivated in the same way ours are motivated. This is just not the case, and the cause of so much misunderstanding and preventable conflict. I hope you’ll join us tonight! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. 🙂