“Resentment is a breeder. It breeds more resentment.” ~Wise Friend
Does this resonate with you? Do you have colleagues who resent you for a promotion you received and, as a result, continue to look for reasons to resent you more or to justify their resentment?
What about the flipside; have you ever felt resentment toward a colleague or boss for not supporting an initiative that was important to you or for not giving serious consideration to your ideas or recommendations? Left unchecked, did it lead to more resentment?
Resentment often stems from judgments we make about others’ actions, experiences and motivations, judgments that are often unfounded because we don’t know the other person’s perspective, motivations or even their values. This can close off relationships and paths forward in business and leadership, just as it can in life.
Take Politics for Example
My political views are firmly on one side of the aisle, but I spend part of my time each day watching news on a channel that represents the other side. I do this to better understand their perspective and values. The truth is, good people live on both sides of the aisle, as do good leaders. But we’ve gotten caught up in resentments based on judgments that now leave us mired in conflict.
A Definition of Conflict
At this week’s Leadership Chat our Guest Hosts were the authors of the new, bestselling book, “Have a Nice Conflict.” They define conflict as, “Feeling a threat to our sense of self-worth.” It’s a very personal experience in the same way we experience resentment.
Per the authors, conflict comes from not understanding other people’s values and what’s important to them. Thus, our behaviors are unintentionally perceived by others as a threat to their self-worth, leaving us unintentionally in a state of conflict. Unchecked, I believe this leads to resentment and, as my wise friend alluded to, it further breeds within the relationship or organization.
The authors shared insights about conflict at Leadership Chat that are critical for leaders to understand. I hope they will empower you to move through conflict and to better understand it so it can be prevented in your relationships moving forward. And the more conflict you prevent, the more you free yourself from resentment in your business and personal relationships.
Tweets from the authors of “Have a Nice Conflict:”
->Avoiding conflict is one of the worst things you can do. Makes it worse, and takes longer to resolve. #leadershipchat
->Research shows: the most effective leaders deal with 60% more conflict than their peers. #leadershipchat #NiceConflict
->#NiceConflict is an opp: Discover why ppl are in conflict & you’ll find what’s important to them (values!) #leadershipchat
->#NiceConflict restores the self-esteem of everyone involved. #leadershipchat
->#NiceConflict gets the results U want and improves relationships at the same time. #leadershipchat
->#NiceConflict is one that leaves the relationship stronger than before the conflict. #LeadershipChat
->#ConflictResolution is a journey back 2 self-worth. The benefits of conflict cn’t be realized until there. #LeadershipChat
->@marvrussell Yes. It is impossible to “take the emotion out of conflict.” #leadershipchat #niceconflict
->Apply the 5 Keys to Having a Nice Conflict : Anticipate, Prevent, Identify, Manage, and Resolve. #leadershipchat
->Build stronger relationships and there will be less turnover because of bad leader-follower relationships. #leadershipchat
->20 yrs research, 60,000 exit interviews: bad relationship with boss is #1 reason for leaving job. #leadershipchat
->To prevent conflict, put yourself in the other person’s shoes – you will understand them better. #leadershipchat
->Unresolved conflict complicates future conflict. If we don’t solve it now, it will come back again later. #leadershipchat
->In conflict, be authentic – true to yourself. Find a way to do that in a way that is respectful to others. #leadershipchat
->Leaders need to develop a productive view of conflict – it can lead to good outcomes if managed well. #leadershipchat
->Our Strength Deployment Inventory helps reveal the values and conflict tendencies of self and others. #LeadershipChat
->Learn to recognize the verbal and non-verbal “clues to conflict” of the people who matter to you. #leadershipchat #NiceConflict
->When you know what’s important to people (discover values) you can choose behaviors better, avert conflict #LeadershipChat
->If dialogue disrespectful that IS a problem. Possible that we need a break or a mediator. #leadershipchat
->In a nice conflict we join forces to compete and prevail against the problem. #leadershipchat
->”What’s most important to you right now? RT @AngelaMaiers: The best question to ask during high conflict is…. #leadershipchat
->When people take sides we must look deeper for common ground. Keep asking why their positions matters to them. #leadershipchat
->Leaders must first IDENTIFY conflict before they can MANAGE it and RESOLVE it. Not as easy as it sounds. #leadershipchat
-> +better the relationship @RonAlvesteffer Too many apprch conflict to defend when we should approach cnflct to become better. #LeadershipChat
->Mindset in conflict is key: Are we competitive or collaborative? #leadershipchat
->RT @jasondyk: @danperezfilms you don’t have to choose sides in conflict, you just have to understand each other’s stories #leadershipchat
->If you want better answers in conflict – ask better questions. Learn the Craft of Conflict Questions. #leadershipchat
->Leaders should encourage productive debate based on facts (opposition) – and prevent it from getting personal (conflict). #leadershipchat
->RT @ScudderTim: @jasondyk We should prevent conflict (threat to self-worth). We should embrace opposition (disagreement). #leadershipchat
->Leaders need to acknowledge that issues may cause conflict – and appeal to followers’ shared purpose. #leadershipchat
->To prevent conflict, leaders must know how to anticipate it — know their people’s conflict triggers. #leadershipchat
->Conflict = a threat to self-worth. Leaders need to protect the self-worth of followers. #leadershipchat
->@danperezfilms RE bruised egos–true, nice conflict improves the relationship but the bruises rarely go away completely #LeadershipChat
->I love conflict. Love is the verb in that sentence. If you love something – make it better. #leadershipchat
->Conflict can be destructive too. All the more reason to learn productive conflict management skills. #leadershipchat
->Every conflict is an opportunity to learn about: the people, the business, the customer, and yourself. #leadershipchat
->Conflict is often the first signal that we have an opportunity to improve. #leadershipchat #NiceConflict
->Engaging with conflict shows you care about the people AND the problem. #leadershipchat #youmatter
->Conflict, when handled well, can be a source of productivity – it can spur needed change. #leadershipchat #NiceConflict
->Our ultimate measure is not where we stand in moments of comfort, but where we stand in conflict – para. MLK jr. #leadershipchat
->Impossible to take the emotion out of conflict – neuroscience research finding. Antonio Damasio. #NiceConflict #leadershipchat
->Don’t confuse opposition and conflict. Opposition can be negotiated. Conflict is a personal experience. #leadershipchat
->@RonAlvesteffer Prevent conflict by proactively choosing behaviors that don’t threaten the values of the other person. #LeadershipChat
->#NiceConflict can restore trust. #leadershipchat
->If no conflict in a relationship – then you’re probably not talking about the things that matter. #leadershipchat #youmatter
Learn more by buying the book at www.HaveANiceConflict.com! (disclosure: the authors sponsored LeadershipChat, and we were honored to collaborate with them)
How do you address conflict and resentment in your organization?
~
The Introvert's Guide to Success in Business and Leadership
Are you an introvert looking to use your introversion to your advantage in business & leadership or an extrovert interested in leading introverts more effectively? I wrote this eBook for you…
“The Introvert’s Guide to Success in Business and Leadership” eBook is NOW Available! Now an Amazon Best Seller & Hot New Release, Featured on Huffington Post, and the inspiration behind my Harvard Business Review article!
BUY Now on Amazon for Kindle or Buy it at B&N for Nook!
Click here to DOWNLOAD in PDF format. Thank you!
Being an introvert is truly an advantage in business and leadership if you know how to leverage it, and if you remain true to yourself.
RELATED POSTS:
Can Forgiveness in Leadership be Empowering for All?
The Art of Moving Forward: The First Step
Photo is Authoritarian Semiology by mendhak.
5 Response Comments
Hi Lisa. Another good one. A great quote I learned in Recovery and it applies to real life in the workplace. “False Expectations of others are pre-meditated resentments” Leaders need to be very clear and define expectations and requirements for all workers. Same in real life. I learned this lesson with my step-son. Amazing. Thanks again, Lisa.
Take CARE.
Al
Al, thank you not only for the kind words but for sharing so openly here. That is a beautiful and truly eye-opening quote. What a pleasure to know how it has impacted your life. All the very best to you!
Thanks Lisa. We are always in conflict with others because we can never fully align our goals – we are each complex systems of beliefs, values, etc. Look at two business teams out to dinner having a good time – they are aligned for social reasons. The next day at work they move out of alignment because their individual goals are at the fore. Conflict is a perfectly normal condition if not always pleasant when it escalates.
A way to look at escalated conflict is that the problem is between the people who appear to be in conflict, i.e., it’s not the people that are the problem. The conflict is actually a construct caused by misalignment, lack of understanding, etc., and it’s in between them.
Getting them to clarify the conflict between them (without going into great detail), and then asking what they want to have happen differently from the conflict in the future will open up some of the listening that you correctly advocate as the key opportunity.
Lisa,
Great post-especially taking on resentment and conflict together. I kept thinking about Covey’s 7 Habits and servant leadership as I read your article. As you point out, it is crucial to address conflict early and to be open to the viewpoints of all parties. Once the the “emotional drama” is removed, everyone can focus on the real issues and develop solutions.
Thanks
Very well said, Rick. And I appreciate you letting me know it reminded you of Covey’s writings. Thanks so much for being here and for taking the time to comment, it means so much to me!