Today it’s about the “Awakenings” more so than the “C-Level Strategies.”
You see, yesterday afternoon I received an email from the Principal of our High School. He was informing the community that a high school boy – a senior – had committed suicide yesterday morning.
It’s absolutely horrifying news.
What makes it even more painful is that it’s the 6th suicide by a high school boy in our local community – an upscale suburb NW of Chicago – in the past three years. It simply makes no sense.
After the first few suicides occurred the community mobilized and over the past two years created an outreach program that was orchestrated by high schoolers and community leaders intent on preventing these tragedies from ever happening again. It is now evident all over the high school and in communications throughout the school district that there are numerous opportunities for children of any age to get help dealing with their challenges – challenges of any form.
The community has even set aside one night a year for a major rally, parade, and set of concerts to generate awareness of all of these efforts and available resources, and the mood of the community was finally starting to turn – to become optimistic again given the sense of coming together and the outpouring of love that has taken place.
And then yesterday happened.
We talk a lot as a community about what is driving these students to the brink and making them think there is no other way.
We talk about pressure – pressure to succeed, to be ranked in the top of the class, to excel at sports or music or drama in order to “stand out,” to get into a “name” college, to excel on standardized tests and at the same time they’re encouraged to “stand out” they are pressured to “fit in.”
I found myself wondering, is there anything that we as leaders can do?
Can we, as leaders, start simply by recognizing that there is enough success to go around if we all – as individuals and as businesses – find what’s in our heart and focus there? If we spend our energy on excelling at that which we’re born to do and are passionate about, at that which makes us truly unique, then won’t there be enough differences between all of us that we can each succeed in our own way and to the degree that mirrors the effort we put in? Can we allow ourselves to be fully aware of what others are doing but put our energies into being the very best version of ourselves?
Can we start being vocal about the fact that it’s ok to fail? That it’s ok to not be perfect? Can we talk more about Edison’s illustrious failures and how he learned from each of them and spend less time putting leaders with one success up on pedestals?
Should we talk more about fear…fear of not being taken seriously, of not living up to others’ expectations – including our Board, our teams, our shareholders – of not living up to our own expectations, of being disrespected or hurt, or worse just ignored in our industry…and how this fear is a normal part of life for all of us, even when we’re successful?
Should we talk about our company values and how they’re the compass we should be following? And should our values always include respect – for each other and for our own needs as valued individuals?
And should we talk about hope – and how whatever we sell or market or create provides it in some small way for someone?
And if we did all of these things in our businesses would the messages seep into our communities and then into the country and the world at large, and if so, would it have an impact on those who are watching most closely and learning from us? Those whose future we are shaping each and every day with our actions? Would it inspire them, in some small way, to think differently…to have hope?
I have absolutely no answers today. Only questions. But there must be something we can do…right?
Please share your insights, they are genuinely appreciated…
Photo is HOPE by Madmoiselle Lavender.
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The first proposal is titled, “Conquer Your Kryptonite: Superpowers Fueling Kick-Ass Business Deals!” and I would be presenting with my dear, new friend Judy Martin. Just click the thumbs-up button you’ll see here if you think it’s worthy of consideration – thank you!
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29 Response Comments
Lisa
Truly sad to hear this news. As for insights — I’m thinking maybe two messages need to find their way to these kids and your community.
First, there is no failure in happiness. If you’re happy, you’re a success regardless of the size of your house, bank account or follower list on Twitter. Happiness is a personal thing but far too often we’re told it should be somehow measured by outside barometers. Sad really.
Second, while great that the community has mobilized and is trying to raise awareness, etc. but the truth is life is so frickin busy right now and there are so many demands on peoples (parents and kids) time that all those lessons go out the door if not constantly reinforced. I just finished an incredible book that I plan to review on my blog. The heart of the book was that far too often we see people, including friends and family, as objects. To be successful and happy, we must “get out of the box” and see and relate to them as people. Maybe at the end of the day these boys feel no one sees them (to steal the Avatar line) and thus they take the ultimate action.
I hope y’all find some answers.
@TomMartin
Thank you, Tom.
I really appreciate you taking time to think through this with me – it’s such a challenging and overwhelming problem.
I look forward to learning more about that book and even passing it along to the Superintendent. And I know you’re right about children feeling that they need to “be seen.” Heck, we all need that at a very, very deep level as humans.
The challenge, I think, lies in your insight of constant reinforcement. Can we all, in the roles we play, provide this – or is that asking too much? Is it solely up to parents or should we truly expect this of our teachers – and community leaders… Tough questions.
Thanks a million Tom – I really value your friendship. 🙂
Lisa, so sorry to hear the news. We just had a man who was out of work take his life a couple of weeks ago. It is truly perplexing and senseless. There certainly are no easy answers.
Yesterday I was watching some Steve Farber videos on you tube and i was struck by this one. I love the way he talks about our definition of “World”. Your post today reflected a similar theme when you touched on uniqueness.
Audacious Change Steve Farber http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg1qz5DqIao&feature=related
Perhaps honest and transparent dialogue about fear, trust, what is really important is a good place to start.
There is also a lot to be said for caring and being honest with our searching questions.
Joe
Joe,
Thank you so much for your touching comments, for sharing what is happening in your own community, and for sharing the link to Steve’s video. I am a huge Steve Farber fan – I had the honor and pleasure of sitting next to him at the SOBCon conference this year, and he is so right about how just changing the world of one person is, in and of itself, “noble.” I love that.
It leads me to think that maybe if we just focused on the power to do that through genuine attention, listening and love that we really could change the “whole wide world.”
Thanks so much, Joe – I’m very grateful that you took the time to provide some encouragement.
Lisa,
I saw your tweet yesterday about this sad, really tragic, news. When I first read it, I was taken aback, but it occurred to me that this scene is being played out across our country. Maybe more incidents as our families are impacted by the economy…or perhaps there are not a significantly higher number of children suicides, but we hear about them more these days via technology and social media.
I believe Tom Martin is very wise when he talks about the demands of family life. And you know what? Even with all of the school and community programs, it is very hard to know what goes on behind closed doors. And I am not suggesting that this student’s family had troubles, it might be that the student suffered from mental illness and could not let his parents in to help him.
We expect so much of our children, they become like mini-mes. Just last week I saw a friend on Facebook breathe a sigh of relief when her soon to be five year old was accepted to the “great” kindergarten! Where it goes from there, is anyone’s guess. I know you are involved in many great projects, but think about this…it is only now that mental health care is treated like every other disease- The Mental Health Parity Act. Prior to January 2010 mental health treatment and substance abuse treatment (both diseases, just like cancer) were set aside with an unreasonable cap, if coverage was offered at all.
You asked if there was something we can do and there is: A yearly rally won’t solve the problem. We need to learn the symptoms, when we see the symptoms then believe them. Fear is real, we all experience fear. The five year old certainly knows that her parents want her to attend a certain school. What would have happened had the school said she was too immature?
Life’s tone is set very early…and then sometimes things go badly. The struggling teen-ager is diagnosed with bi-polar; the college freshman is diagnosed with schizophrenia. And these are the lucky ones; they are diagnosed and perhaps will get treatment.
Lisa, you do good work. Extend a hand…one at a time…and remember if your child were diagnosed with diabetes or cancer you would reach out to your neighbors and your community. But the parent whose child is diagnosed or suspected of suffering from mental illness or substance abuse…is not going to pick up the phone and call their neighbors for help or support. Fear takes control and lives are shattered.
I look forward to reading other’s comments and suggestions.
Judy
Judy,
I can absolutely see that “kindergarten” issue happening in my community…parents wanting to be sure that their child “has a leg up” or has every opportunity to “get to the top” so that when it comes to college…well, you know where I’m going with this. Our local newspaper always publishes where the seniors choose to go to college – and I wonder if that’s where it all starts…is it the parent who wants to see their child’s name published with the word “Harvard” or “Stanford” that pushes to get their child on the right track? Or are we blaming parents too much – we love our children and want to give them every opportunity to succeed…
I think you’re right about the fact that it is harder for parents to reach out for support when their child is diagnosed with a mental illness or substance abuse…but I am on a prayer chain at my church and I know that I do get calls to pray in exactly these types of situations. And I believe in the power of prayer and intentions. I think we’ve created miracles sometimes.
Thank you, Judy, for always being willing to share and surmise and ponder…it means so much. 🙂
Lisa,
It is mind-boggling to comprehend on so many levels. And what’s even more disheartening is that so many important signs are typically realized once it’s too late. So we ask – why/how were they missed?
As Tom mentions, we are so absorbed by the demands of everyday life that the important stuff is overlooked. And there are so many challenges faced daily by families — work/life balance is limited hindering time to connect with our children and be involved in their lives, bullying, peer pressure, pressure to succeed and so the list goes on.
Yes, it is the responsibility of everyone to help guide our children. And it shouldn’t stop with parents or teachers. Society as a whole must play a role in shaping future generations. And for that reason, I think all of your questions are completely valid in understanding how that might happen at a leadership level.
I feel great sadness for your community. The stats (1 in 5 teens had thought about suicide, about 1 in 6 teens had made plans for suicide, and more than 1 in 12 teens had attempted suicide in the last year) certainly indicate that it’s a much bigger problem than I think most realize. My personal realization came when my college-age cousin committed suicide 12 years ago. Something needs to change so I thank you for bringing it to the forefront in your post.
Lisa
Lisa,
I think that’s part of why this is so disheartening – so much time spent on trying to educate the community on the signs and help teachers play a role in recognizing them and being available.
I had no idea the stats were so dire – that’s just horrifying to see the depth of the problem.
And Lisa I am just so very sorry to hear of your personal loss. I can’t imagine what your family went through, and the pain that I am sure is still there to this day.
Thank you for listening and for always being there for me. It really means a lot to me. 🙂
Lisa,
Wow! New reader (as of last week) to your blog. I saw this post first thing this morning and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, so I decided to leave my thoughts.
I am very sorry about your loss. Suicide has become a very common thing; I can think of 4 people I’ve known that have taken their lives. What breaks my heart about each situation is how much they must have suffered alone, without every seeing or feeling hope.
I think what you said about helping others know it’s okay to fail is they key. It’s critical that we teach and show there will always be challenges or unmet expectations. So many times it’s easy to look at another’s journey as perfectly smooth when we are enduring our own hardships, personal or professional.
I think as communities and a nation, we need to take time to listen and be there for our youth and each other. I am very guilty of this, but often tasks get in front of relationships. It’s a fine line and an ugly juggling act most often. But, I feel it’s the only real way to help our children ‘be seen,’ as you mentioned. Although I feel this starts with the parents, I believe community members, leaders and teachers can be actively engaged in influencing our youth.
I too have a hope for something better, something more. I feel it starts with us. Thank you for the reminder. Please keep doing what you’re doing. I know you are providing hope & inspiration to thousands. You have for me.
Just know many are thinking and praying for you and your community.
Lara
@VacancyDotCom
Thank you so much Lara for sharing your thoughts. I had no idea until reading the stats that Lisa shared just how common this is, as you mentioned – it’s heartbreaking.
And you are so right – they must be suffering so much and feel so alone.
It sounds like the group is agreeing that “being seen” and knowing it’s ok to fail are keys…I genuinely appreciate these insights. And it means a lot to me that you are part of this community – thank you so much for your prayers!
So glad to have you here, all my very best…
Great thoughts. Suicide is a difficult subject, even from a perspective of faith. My last blog post discusses happiness and joy from that point of view. Last year when a team mate on my son’s college volleyball team committed suicide, it devasted my son, his teammates and the entire college campus. Outside of faith, it’s almost impossible to answer the question “why?” And even with faith, there really aren’t any good ones that make sense to most people.
Chip,
Your blog post is simply beautiful. The way you draw a distinction between happiness and joy is so poignant and your description of joy as, “the result of an eternal hope…an eternal destiny and is therefore, impervious to the temporal” really moved me.
I am so sorry to hear about what your son went through, and I really appreciate your comments on faith. As you imply, there are some answers that faith provides but depending on where we are at in our grief and what we believe those answers may simply not be acceptable or comprehensible.
It’s such a blessing to have met you – thank you for being here and helping me to think through this.
lisa, your post grieves me. we too live in a very influential community where the pressures on our children to “succeed” are tremendous. we, my husband and i, are constantly reminding them that it is about who they are, far more that what they accomplish, but the messages that they take in on a daily basis are dramatic. our youngest is mentally retarded and it brings new meaning to how we understand success…when i read your comment about having no answers, but only questions, i couldn’t help but think about a post i wrote about my special girl called Questions, Not Answers… (http://livingbeyondthepale.com/questions-not-answers/) where i quote rainer rilke. it is one of my favorite quotes for life’s questions and i thought it might encourage you… “…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” – Rainer Maria Rilke in Letters to a Young Poet it doesn’t make it easier, but it does give me HOPE!
Jorja,
You are beautiful and so genuinely inspiring. The quote is stunning. I am at a loss for words but so very, very moved. Thank you in so many ways…
Lisa,
Thank you for sharing this horrible tragedy. I really could not stop thinking about it since I have a 12 year old and an 18 year old. A few years ago a suicide occurred with a senior at their school and it leaves no easy answers.
I do know the pressures that the children feel is enormous, so much is expected of them. I have seen it from my own children and sometimes they feel helpless. Thank God, they have always been able to openly talk with me, and I have quickly worked to try to remove some of those pressures, the over-scheduling of their time, expectations that I have that maybe they do not want, and opening all lines of communication.
One thing you talked about which I think would truly help our young people is for our leaders in all areas of our society to talk about their failures. I know that is opposite of a “winner” mentality for many, but if our children knew that for every success attained, failure usually preceded it, they would realize this is part of our humanity that we all have. There are no “over-night” successes in business, in entertainment, in life and so many have had hardships that if our children knew, they would be accepting of their own failures.
When children realize that what they are feeling, what they are going through and when they know that someone that look up to has overcome adversity, that is an inspiration to them. I think as a society, we value only perceived success but miss the fact, that the wisdom attained, the lessons learned, the relationships endured are the fabric of our lives.
Our economy is tumbling and it is humbling to all of us. So many peopled valued the material, the attaining more things, bigger and better, and placed their own value based on that. When that disappeared, many families had to reassess their lives and what is important to them. That is the hard part, digging deep and reflecting on this. It is hard for adults and certainly, for children, who may be used to every need being met. When that changes for a family in economic hardship, it is doubly hard for the children.
We need to rally around each other, embrace our imperfections and truly talk about all of our foibles. We need to analyze what success truly is, and it truly is not what many people in society think. Children, who are quite literal, even as they get older, need to really understand the meaning of personal success, not in monetary or societal terms, but for themselves. Finally, a belief system, a religious faith can certainly help us, knowing that their is something more powerful than us that we can turn to in these difficult times.
I know I have run on!! Of course, these musings are not the easy solution, but re-evaluating what we as Americans, hold dear to us, and for our children would be a wonderful first step in trying to lessen the occurrence of these horrible tragedies
Warmest regards,
Nancy
Nancy,
I think you raise such an important point that your children can not just come to you but be open with you – and that they know you’re listening because you take action.
And I love the fact that you talk about the wisdom that comes from adversity being what makes up the fabric of our lives – so beautiful and perceptive!
Your musings are such a blessing – thank you for being here and for so openly expressing them, it means so much!
Hi Lisa,
My heart goes out to your community and especially to the parents. I know what it is like to lose a child. Even so, I have no clue what it is like to lose a child to suicide. The “what ifs” and “whys” have to be overwhelming.
I agree that we need to let our children know that it is okay to fail, but I honestly don’t know how we can change the tide. Our children are growing up in a world where even the smallest mistakes are documented for eternity.
Remember those oops! moments from when you were a child? I do, along with my family and a few good friends. It was how we learned to live, work, and play with others.
Our children don’t have that luxury. Even if we keep them out of the social media whirlpool, their friends are there. Even the smallest oops! can become the source of lasting humiliation…
…that affects the college they go to, the jobs they want, the people they love…
It saddens me.
Debra,
I had no idea…I am so deeply, deeply sorry.
You bring up such an important point, and I have no idea if it played a role in these deaths but it very possibly may have. No longer do we alone face our truth but the whole world sees it with us…what does that mean for all of us? Such a heavy question…
Debra, I am so honored that you shared with us. Please consider yourself “hugged” – my heart is with you.
Thank you for the hug, Lisa. God’s blessings are with us, even in tragedy. Or, I should say, especially in tragedy. Strength comes from adversity.
It’s often hard to understand and harder to accept the bad things that happen. But, if we look at others with an eye of compassion, the world is a better place.
When I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started helping others, the emptiness was replaced with love.
I hope the parents, family and friends of the young man can find peace in the midst of this nightmare.
Lisa: I’m re-reading Joseph Campbell’s “The Power of Myth” again after a few years and he says something very telling when he relates, in so many words, that we’ve done a lousy job initiating young people into modern society’s tribe. When we don’t provide the right rituals and provide the right teaching to people – especially children – they make up their own (gangs, drugs, etc) or realize they’re on their own.
The same points relate to the corporate world, of course, but your post today is of a much more personal nature. We need to teach our children how to be part of society, from confidence of self-worth to self-reliance to the ability to ask others for help, too. It’s a hard job and one that is much needed.
Failure, in America, is both personal and temporary. Children (and employees, too!) need to internalize this and understand it completely. A hard lesson –
Stephen,
What really hits me over the head in reading your comment is the ability to ask for help. I forget how hard this can be. I keep thinking that nothing could be harder than asking someone for a kidney – for life, but the reality is that I asked with a heart full of hope. Now I can see that it would be much harder to ask for life with a heart full of despair.
Thank you, Stephen, for sharing and opening my eyes.
Lisa: I too live in these NW suburbs and have children growing up in times of flush digital technologies fueling our advancement and communications. But when the unexplainable happens, and we ask ‘why,’ or ‘how can this be prevented,’ I begin to wonder if these tools we’ve built have also served to separate us, isolate us, place a teflon wall around us. I like to think they are an adjunct to our communications, that there is a more powerful need to speak face to face, to understand, to empathize, to touch, to hug, to sympathize. These are essential to the human experience, and cannot be replicated digitally. So as I text, type, skype, IM, email, and post with my friends and family, I take time out to hug, tickle, high-five, and just plain listen to them as well. I feel that is worth making a dedicated effort (sounds funny to say that) to ensure it happens, everyday. Maybe that’s the message we can send to parents and children of this generation.
My family’s thoughts and prayers go out to the family suffering in this and to all in our community.
@ContentKeith
Keith,
I wonder the same thing – does the fact that we’re more connected than ever, but without the benefit of human contact and the ability to look into someone’s eyes, make us in some ways more distant? Good for you for hugging, tickling, high-fiving and listening and for ensuring it happens every day.
So glad to know you are a “neighbor” – perhaps we can get together for coffee sometime and really put our heads together on this. Thank you for taking the time to share…so glad to meet you!
I have to tell you when I hear of these kinds of stories and those like Columbine there is an immediate, undeniable and irrefutable feeling that comes over me.
It is a feeling born of frustration, anguish, pain, sympathy, anger…
There is simply no reason on God’s green Earth why someone so young should take their own life or take someone else’s. None.
I realize I am taking a simplistic approach to a very complex matter but…
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I have two children, ages 6 & 10 (soon to be 11) and I am constantly reminding myself to talk to my kids. Just talk to them. Lord knows I dont do it enough and I am surely not implying that the parents of the young man who took his life did not speak to their son, so please dont think that…
But I can already see in my daughter the effects of peer pressure and wanting to fit in with the crowd and so on…
I tell her, as I will anyone and everyone, no one was more of a loner than I when I was young. No one. I didnt care about “fitting in”… I was happy doing my own thing, which didn’t “jive” with what my friends wanted to do..
People made fun of me all the time but I didnt care. Ok, maybe I cared a little when I was younger but I sure as hell dont care now.
My point is as parents we must constantly and I mean constantly tell our children it’s ok to be different, it’s ok to fail. it’s ok… to just be.
My wife and I tell our kids all the time that there are people in this world who wont like you for one reason or another… so what.
There are people in this world who only live to make fun of others… so what.
You just do your own thing dont worry about what anyone else says, does, thinks, writers, whatever.
Sorry to be so wordy, Lisa.
Steve O
Steve,
Don’t ever apologize for being wordy around here – your words carry so much weight and wisdom. I know what you mean about talking with the kids. The lesson I learned from my wise friend about “Observe Don’t Absorb” is something I am really trying to impart on my daughters. It’s hard at their age to understand it but I want them to know that when someone says something unkind about them it’s a reflection on the other person and not at all about them. I won’t them to always trust themselves – and I know they know how amazing they are, I see it in their eyes when I tell them.
I am always inspired by people like you who really do not care what others think. And I learn from you every day. Thank you for being you. 🙂
Lisa…This news is absolutely devastating. I’m reading your post with such sadness and shock…The blanket impact of any suicide is huge, but a teen taking his or her own life creates even larger ripples.
I was also moved by your mention of Edison’s failures as a way for us to draw strength into our lives in situations like these. Many times, Edison confessed that – without his mother’s loving attentions and home schooling – he would have been a juvenile delinquent. He actually got into scrapes with the law several times, and was almost jailed in Canada. This is not how we think of the great Thomas Edison, but teens are teens all across the ages.
I just this week received the findings from a 2010 study called Teen Voices. There are several themes in the study that could be of major assistance to your community in addressing the suicide challenge. I strongly urge you to read it! Here’s the link: https://www.at15.com/sites/all/themes/at15_v3/_assets/pdf/TeenVoice2010.pdf
Wishing you and all Godspeed…
Sarah
Sarah,
I can’t thank you enough for the moving and helpful comments, and for the report. I dove into it and am finding it incredibly insightful and helpful. So honored to have you here – thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Lisa – this was a very moving post. Hope is high on the list for everyone. We don’t have to pay for it except with committing to spreading it within our own lives and others. As for being so attached to success in our society. I think part of the problem is that we allow the media and others to define the edicts of success, instead of creating our own benchmarks. Children need to be encouraged to create their own vision of success. If not we’ll all never measure up.
Judy,
Such a beautiful and true insight – children need to be encouraged to create their own vision of success. Thank you so much for sharing it, your words mean so much.