Leadership Regrets of a Not-quite Homecoming Queen

by Lisa Petrilli…

My Saturday morning trip to Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee (ok, yes, and admittedly a couple chocolate-frosted donuts as well…) was much longer this weekend due to the crazy Homecoming parade traffic detours that seemed to be all over the place. 

As I lollygagged along with the traffic I found my mind drifting back to that autumn – my senior year at Indiana University – when, due to some seismic shift in the stability and sanity of the universe, I was selected for the Homecoming Court.

Waaaay back then (ok, dinosaurs weren’t still roaming the Earth but it was long enough ago that I may have actually had Stats class with Newton…) each sorority and residence hall was allowed to nominate one person to be considered for the Court.  It was thought to be an honor to represent your house and for a sorority to have their nominee chosen for the Court. 

As a member of my sorority’s leadership team I still remember the others telling me they were nominating me.  I believe my response that followed my blank stare was something eloquent and sophisticated along the lines of, “have you all gone mad?!!…”

And with that my name, bio of all of my leadership activities beginning with Freshman Year, and my photo were submitted to campus to endure a genuinely embarrassing experience of having students vote 5 women out of the roughly 25 or 30 nominees to be on the Court.  The voting was done at the Indiana Memorial Union – one of the largest student unions in the entire world – which I ended up avoiding the entire week of voting even though it provided a nice, warm shortcut to class and there were always fresh cookies. 

When I found out I was one of the top 5 – and thus on the Homecoming Court – I was more relieved that the voting was over than anything else!

And then came the interview. 

There was a team of maybe five or six faculty members that interviewed the five of us individually one Saturday morning and made the final decision about who on the Court would be Homecoming Queen.  Most of the questions they asked me centered on my leadership roles – which I was very blessed to hold a number of, most importantly Vice-President of the IU Student Foundation – the largest in the world and the producer each year of the world-famous Little 500 – “the World’s Greatest College Weekend.” 

Although most of the interview was a blur and remains so to this day, one exchange in the interview stood out to me and I’ve never forgotten it.  They asked me, “Do you have any regrets about your time and experiences here at IU?”

And in the blink of an eye I spoke with my heart…”no.”

“No?” I was asked by one of the faculty members? “You don’t have any regrets at all?”  I thought perhaps it was a trick question.  So I gave it a few more seconds of thought – and came up with the same answer but threw in an “um” for good measure… “um, no.”

And then the faculty members all looked at each other and started writing furiously. They thanked me for my time and sent me on my way.

Given that the interview had gone really well up until that point I was a little surprised at how abruptly it ended, but the whole experience had been thoroughly discombobulating to begin with.  As I walked home I rehashed the interview in my mind – don’t we all do that? – and it occurred to me that perhaps I should have added…

“That’s not to say I haven’t made any mistakes – I’ve made a ton of them.  Some of them were minor, some of them were huge and embarrassing and left me feeling numb, but I’ve learned from every, single one of them.”  I felt incredibly blessed to have had the college experience that I had – really, truly blessed to have been given so many opportunities to grow as a leader and as a person – and I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. 

My student advisor (a professor in the IU Honors College) had given me strict advice when I met with him as a new Freshman, “Go out and make a fool of yourself.”  Albeit a bit bizarre in terms of advice, I knew he meant that my time in college was when I was supposed to try new things, “put myself out there,” and make mistakes along the way.  Well, I’d done a brilliant job at making mistakes, but I didn’t regret them. I’d make them again in a heartbeat because the lessons were that important. 

Which leads me to my question… Are we supposed to regret our mistakes? 

Todd Kashdan says we are.  Todd is a Ph.D. and Associate Professor of Psychology at George Mason University, and he gave a webinar to MENG for me earlier this year.  Todd’s article, “Why Are We Afraid of Having Regrets?” is a smart, easy to digest look at the science of regret, and Todd makes a thoughtful argument on the importance of having regrets.  I encourage you to take a peek and consider his perspective.

How important is it as leaders that we have regrets?  Consider Todd’s point:

“People that try to minimize regret often feel a sense of anxiety and paralysis where they are more focused on not making errors and mistakes and less focused on taking calculated risks toward difficult, aspirational goals. To be succinct, without regrets, you are done evolving, you will be ineffective at coping with an uncertain, unpredictable world where mistakes are inevitable.”

What is your take on having regrets as a leader?  Does fear of them keep you from taking risks and “putting yourself out there?”

Of course I should close by finishing the story… The woman who was selected Homecoming Queen absolutely deserved it and was a beautiful, smart and poised representative of the University.  I’ll always keep from the experience fond memories of the Friday night Homecoming Parade where, as a member of the IU Homecoming Court, I got to ride through campus on the back of a convertible with a handsome escort dancing to the beat of the IU marching band that was performing right behind us…! 😉  Friday night lights…

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Photo is Homecoming Queen by AmyHWilson.