It’s been amply chronicled how I nearly chickened out of launching this blog and was brought back from the Pit of Despair by my friend Mack Collier and his words of wisdom on the eve of my launch. (No, I never encountered any Rodents of Unusual Size while in the Pit, but I digress for fellow Princess Bride fans…)
There was one other, wise friend that I talked with that evening, once I had decided to launch the darn thing, who spoke three impactful words to me in regard to my impending “launch day.”
She said, “Observe don’t absorb.” Observe…
I got it immediately, and yet I really didn’t, and the extent of its power is still sinking in.
It was clear that she wanted me to be open to anything that would happen on that day of launch – positive reactions, negative reactions, lack of reactions – whatever it would be, and to simply observe them and not allow myself to absorb the energy of them.
Why? Sometimes it is too easy to allow someone’s negative reaction to our ideas and to something we create to affect us emotionally and physically. The same goes for the flip side: it can be enticing to allow truly positive reactions by others to take the place of our own sense of self worth.
Instead, my friend wanted me to focus on understanding people’s reactions and learn from them rather than to feel them or allow myself to react emotionally. As I read your comments in my blog I get a better understanding for your roles as leaders, which of my own experiences resonate with you and where our opinions may differ. These observations and lessons are priceless to me as a writer – and in a short amount of time are actually enabling us to create relationships with each other. I love it!
So how does, “Observe don’t absorb” apply in business?
I realized this week while working for a client that this concept of “observe, don’t absorb” actually applies every time we share an idea, creation or opinion in the business world. You see, I put an idea “out there” to a team of colleagues; it was an idea that stirred up some strong feelings about the organization, and what some of our real challenges are.
In the past, receiving comments back from others disagreeing with me or even belittling my comments would have been hurtful and I would have felt them. However, this week I allowed myself to simply observe what the reactions were and it made an immeasurable difference.
Rather than taking the comments back to me personally, I used the responses as an opportunity to learn about each of my colleagues. Who immediately responded with tactics? Who responded with a strategic idea and who considered the big picture and our vision? Who simply referred to data and had no emotion in their response? Who got defensive?
I realized that none of these reactions were a reflection on me! Nor were any of them “bad.” Rather, they were simply chock full of information about the respondents themselves!
Really think about that.
Guess what I did? I further engaged in the conversation with information – not emotion – because I had not absorbed any of the discomfort of the conversation, which is vitally important when online conversations get unintentionally heated and you can’t read someone’s body language or hear the tone in their voice.
Now, the challenge will be to think strategically about how I use this information about my colleagues, and my better understanding of each of them, to collaborate more effectively in the future. But it certainly made what could have been a heated and damaging conversation into one that provided great insight into my colleagues and a whole new way of looking at things!
Do you observe rather than absorb? How might these three impactful words be of use to you in your business?
Please share your thoughts in the comments…I’d be truly honored to hear from you!
(I’d also be honored if you’d consider subscribing above/right in the panel)… This beautiful photo is by Ryan Wick.
29 Response Comments
Lisa, I think we all think we need to do it all and the result is we don’t do any of it well. We try to absorb every nugget of information, flush out every idea, win every battle and that’s simply not realistic.
I love this idea of observe rather than absorb because that nugget today may fit nicely with the one next week which will then be ready to incubate into a solid idea.
Kneale,
I love your observation – why do we do that to ourselves?! 🙂 I believe I used to subconsciously imagine battles, as you mention, when I should have simply perceived information.
Great insight into the power of incubation – I am so glad you commented! Thank you, as always, for your amazing support Kneale!
This is described in Buddhism as “the witness state”, where you are witnessing the reactions and tumult of your mind as a ‘third party’ rather than engaging with the thoughts and letting them define you in that moment. Meditation can make it easier for us to not take stuff so personally, because it builds new synaptic pathways and disconnects old harmful patterns from each other. Good for you for recognizing!
More info at http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/chakras/witness.php
.-= Jeremy Meyers´s last blog ..The one question you must ask when interacting =-.
Jeremy,
I had no idea – this is such wonderful information, thank you! I honestly know nothing about Buddhism, yet in retrospect I suspect my friend does, and now I am absolutely intrigued to learn more.
Thank you for sharing and for taking the time to do so. So thankful that you stopped by! All the best…
It’s the walk quietly and carry a big stick type of metaphor except never think of it in terms of whacking people. 🙂 Observation and responding at the appropriate is such a key leadership quality. Absorbing only creates emotions and emotions can lead to poor decisions. A good morning to you Lisa and have a great Thursday!
.-= Jonathan Saar´s last blog ..Does Your Human Resource Department Demonstrate a Weakness? =-.
Jonathan,
I really appreciate that you point out how emotion can lead to poor decisions – I absolutely agree and have seen this happen, unfortunately. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support – and for being the first person to use the word “whacking” in a comment! 😉 LOL
Lisa,
As a person of action, observation has been hard for me. Years ago, when I studied NLP, they referred to this as the “third position.” First position is how you are experiencing something, second position is seeing it through the other person’s eyes (empathy), and third position asks: “how would this look to someone who is not involved?”
The goal, I think, is to be able to move through all three positions to gain a richer understanding of the situation in front of us.
.-= Hans Hageman´s last blog ..Figure THIS Out And You’ll Avoid Life’s Dead Ends =-.
Hans,
Yes, we action people do have a hard time “sitting back” and observing, don’t we? Thank you for that insight about how moving through all three positions/perspectives provides a richer understanding – I will absolutely keep that in mind in the future.
Thank you for being here again and for sharing you wise insights!
Hi Lisa,
Great post. I love the concept even though it is difficult to actually practice. I think one of the best qualities of an effective leader is the ability to listen, listen, listen. But how you listen is the key. If you’re paying attention, people will tell you all you need to know .
Using these three words takes the issue of having to win every argument out of the equation. By doing this you reduce stress, make unemotional and better decisions based on information only, and learn how to motivate your team. Plus, not absorbing the emotions is a great self esteem builder. You no longer run around trying to please everyone all the time and getting upset when you fail, nor do you value yourself based on other peoples positive feedback. This makes you more confident, secure and allows you to make decisions with the conviction you get from within.
Thanks for the post. I love these kinds of questions and comments!
Jen Turi
Jen
Thank you, Jen!
I love your point about really paying attention and that people will tell you all you need to know – spot on. And great point about how this information will help you to better motivate your team – I think you’re right. It will provide perspectives on many different aspects of your team members and their roles.
Your whole second paragraph is just inspirational to read! Thank you for expressing that so eloquently. I really appreciate the kind words and genuinely appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. 🙂 Thanks again, Jen.
Jen – right re: pleasing everyone. In addition, if you can learn to listen and not defend you encourage more feedback!
It seems to me that the more feedback you encourage, the more practice your colleagues get giving feedback, and the more useful their feed back can become, not just for you, but in general.
.-= Tim Munsell´s last blog ..Quote for May 26, 2010 =-.
Thank you for a thought-provoking post today! As a homeopath, in the process of case taking I have learned to observe my patient on many levels, from the way they walk into the room, to how they give their complaints, even to the gestures they use in expressing their energy. I strive to be the neutral observer so that the case will unfold without me leading or inserting my subjectivity.
The aspect of your post which has resonated with me today is the aspect of resisting being impacted by the negative opinions or energy of others, but also not allowing our self worth to be based on the truly positive reactions of others.
I am working up the courage to launch my own blog about inspiration, art and healing as they relate to one another. I think the launching of a blog is taking a risk to be open and learning to observe not absorb. Congratulations on taking this step and inspiring others.
Meryl,
Thank you for your truly thoughtful comments and for sharing what most resonated with you.
Launching anything is always a risk – as I mentioned I almost chickened out! – I hope you’ll find the courage soon and can’t wait to see how you inspire and heal others! All my best to you!
I think observe rather than absorb is more difficult the more passionately involved I am in discussions. I have been helped most recently by acknowledging when I’m absorbing atmosphere others are creating. Doing so, I’ve found tremendous freedom to let go and learn, just in the honesty of acknowledgment.
When the relationship has the kind of trust that I can talk about what I felt during someone’s reaction, I’ve found that doing so opens communication much wider than ever before. Many of my working relationships are growing profoundly as a result. Mutual understanding seems to quickly become mutual respect.
If that trust doesn’t exist, taking the time afterward to analyze my emotions, and discover why I reacted to others’ reactions has made learning from the situation, and learning to vary my approach much easier.
.-= Tim Munsell´s last blog ..Quote for May 26, 2010 =-.
Tim,
I just love this comment – it is so full of great reflections on your experiences. Thank you for the word “freedom” – it’s very powerful and perfectly placed here. And I wholeheartedly agree with you about how talking about the emotion can enable a relationship to grow profoundly – you must be an absolutely tremendous person to work with.
Your observation about when “that trust doesn’t exist” I think also applies to some of our newer, online relationships where we don’t know each other well and, like I said in my post, can’t necessarily read other cues from the person to understand their emotions. Understanding our reactions can be invaluable.
Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment – I can’t thank you enough!
Hi Lisa, great, thought provoking post for sure… I love the concept of “observe dont absorb” is a very interesting one… I, like many others, often get too bogged down with trying to read between the proverbial lines when it comes to OPPs… Other People’s Posts… and comments, etc…
To me the word “observe” connotes the word “distance” as in “just watch from a distance… dont get too close” and I remembered this song and its lyrics…
http://www.lyrics007.com/Bette%20Midler%20Lyrics/From%20A%20Distance%20Lyrics.html
.-= Steve Olenski´s last blog ..Big Brother sees all… =-.
Steve,
I’m just beside myself at what a beautiful way to make the point those lyrics provide! Observing, even if it is from a distance, does not need to imply a lack of connection but rather a whole new (often beautiful) perspective.
Thank you for that – I am truly blessed to have such brilliant readers – and I mean that sincerely. 🙂
Lisa,
So many people get caught up in their own emotions regarding their ideas that it clearly clouds their judgement and ability to perform at the highest level. Primarily, because they are so committed to their idea or point of view, they fail to have the vision that the best ideas do not derive from one person alone (even if the one person is the conduit to the concept). All the best ideas are the ones attacked with the slings and arrows mixed with the praise and accolades of others.
What you point out here is not to take either too positively or negatively. They are just opinions and there is no true right or wrong. Take the best of the comments, good & bad and make the idea the best it can be. Add in a transformation of those emotions into passion and there are the makings for a solid and successful concept.
I enjoy your take on things. Keep the great content coming.
All my best,
Lou
Lou,
Thank you for being so willing to share your great insights with me in the comments – I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!
I agree completely about the emotions clouding our judgment sometimes – and I love how you talk about transforming those emotions into passion! Brilliant observation.
Thanks for the very kind comments about the blog, Lou – your support means so much to me!
Lisa,
I know you wrote this three days ago, but this week has been busy with client projects and when “we” #blogchatted about how my comments could be a blog, I remembered that I have been thinking about this post for a couple of days.
I will try to keep this succinct. Not easy for me. Sometimes a word and its multiple meanings just say all there is to say. ABSORB, to me, connotes nothing positvie. I think of a sponge and short of a live sponge..nothing positive. OBSERVE, conversely, is a wonderful vital word.
See you in the morning.
Judy,
Very interesting perspective! Moreover, I’m fascinated that you’ve been thinking about the post for a few days – thank you for sharing that.
Now I’m going to have to mull over whether absorb has any positive connotations – I think it can if you’re in a room full of love and joy – but yours is a very thought provoking statement. See you soon – thank you again!
Lisa,
A great post and one I needed to read today! At one time in my career I had an executive coach who told me that when we give 110% on a project and teammates, management, a client/customer etc. says “What about…” “Did you think of…” “How come you didn’t…” “I would have…” “Why didn’t you…” “I prefer…” it’s hard to NOT take it personally, but she advised exactly what you did here… Observe not absorb (not, those exact words, but similar).
She told me that most times people don’t mean it personally, they are asking because they don’t know or because they feel they need to have a say. (That said, there are also people who do mean for you to take it personally!)
It’s very hard to NOT absorb, especially if your career makes up who you are as a person.
Thanks for sharing very wise and beneficial advice for us all that can be used professionally or personally.
(BTW, thanks for adding me to your Blogroll, that’s very kind of you!)
Beth,
Given that you said the post was one you needed to read today I hope, whatever today’s circumstances were for you, that the observations provided some insight! I think your coach gave you some great insights about how, in many cases, people feel that they need to contribute in the way you pointed out to demonstrate their knowledge and smarts in some way. It can be too easy to take that as a reflection on ourselves.
You’re right – it’s hard not to absorb – but it has been enlightening for me even in just the past week to be focused on avoiding it. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, Beth! And I am proud to have you on my blogroll. 🙂
This is awesome advice! I am going to try this, i think I may do this 50% of the time. Being a Business Analyst we have to hone the art of our craft to cut thru this because majority of the things we take the lead on is change. Change is usually not something taken well.
With these reactions did it help you craft an all encompassing strategic solution? Will some people just have to deal? Do you approach the next meeting differently knowing these types of reactions?
I think your behavirol observation approach is a path of good psychology, sociology & anthropology. The things that sometimes that get lost in methologies, consistent processes and frameworks done by specialized roles. We have lost the art and human side of most approaches, which is always the suff that comes back to bite real hard!
Look forward to more posts! New to the blog and following you on twitter
@keithprivette
Keith,
I can’t thank you enough for such a thoughtful comment!
You are so right – change is difficult for many people and the comment I referred to in the post certainly got at the fact that change was needed. To answer your questions, I am not currently involved in crafting the solution, but the reactions will absolutely change how I approach similar situations in the future. I have a much better understanding of how I may need to position my thoughts in order to address each person’s core needs. For example, I will approach the person who looks right to the data with data next time, and will be a bit more “visionary” in my approach with the individuals who thrive with this thinking.
I don’t want to imply that these observations prevent me from connecting – the connecting is still how I’ll be able to collaborate long term with these teammates. But it has made it easier to move forward because I’m not stuck absorbing any perceived negativity.
Thank you again, Keith – I appreciate you stopping by, taking the time to comment and sharing your insights!
No thank you for the thought provoking conversation. You did all the hard work! It definitely lead to a robust innovative solution when you have the audiences in mind!
Look forward to more posts!
This is an excellent post! Speaking as someone who absorbs everything and has little practice at not doing so, life would be so much less painful if I could be more mindful and just observe instead of taking on other people’s stuff.